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District 92, Division D Toastmaster Humorous Speech Contest, Second Runner up: My Humorous speech

Title: Dear, I hate you!!!

 

Opening:

I’m lazy and I know it

At this rate I’ll never get fit

People are afraid of heights

I am afraid of widths

Oh my soul, be thou quiet

This is not ‘another diet’

Just a program of exchange

Though some things do seem strange

Raw vegetables and ‘brock-o-lee’

Does not sound too good to me

Lots of tofu and bean sprouts

While my empty stomach shouts

The meaning here is quite plain;

This program is designed for pain

My hands are sweating, my soul is dreading

I must keep this thing from spreading

Body:

 

Good Afternoon obese guests, overweight toastmasters and frustrated corpulent Judges…

“Sorry, I am in relationship with food” this was my answer whenever any guy was approaching me till that fine one romantic rainy evening!!!

I was waiting in front of the doctor’s room. As usual, the doctor approached with the report after a looooong hour wait.

Giving a wicked look, he said “I have a bad news & a good news. What should come first?”

I thought for a while & questioned him “Mr. Doctor. Is the bad news too bad? Or is the good news too good”.

He answered, “Dear Suchi, the bad news is going to be tragic & the good news will bring a ray of hope in your life”. After gathering some courage, I told the doctor “Sir. Bad news first”.

“This is not to dishearten you, but according to your reports your weight is going out of control now. Your body is blowing like a balloon. You are overweight by 25 kg!” Hearing this, first tear broke free from my eyes, the rest followed in an unbroken stream.

Trying to console me, the doctor said “Darling. There is a good news too. This disease of obesity which is haunting you now is totally curable. You are very lucky to be diagnosed well on time. It would have been very difficult if you showed during the final stage”.

 

I was amazed at the doctor’s wonderful statement about my life-threatening disease!!!

 

I collected my reports & walked back home.

 

What is the reason of getting more and more of those tiny creatures, who live in my closet and sew my clothes a liitle bit tighter every night…calories?

Then the coolest place of my house having food carrying capacity of 10 peoples…my refrigerator gave a smile at me!!! whenever i lose some weight, i used to get it back in my refrigerator!!!

I wish losing weight would be as easier for me as losing my keys, watch, hair rubber band, temper & even mind.” Instead of blaming myself my heart said “Dear, You are not overweight, you are just under tall!!!”.

Then, I decided to have a fight between food & me. Everything is fair in love & war & this was a war. I had to win. “A healthy diet for a healthy body”, “You are what you eat”, “Whatever your problem is, your answer is not in fridge” I collected all motivational quotes for dieting & started placing them on my cupboard, my room walls, even on my refrigerator door.

Then I started googling “How to lose weight”. There were unbelievable suggestions. A kind lady in one of her articles claimed that she lost 20 pounds in a month by writing 3 pages daily.

So, my dear dispirited plumpy audience, you can imagine who is the inspiring hero behind my becoming a blogger!!!

I try to remove all things those make me fat…like scales, mirrors and photographs!!!

 

Conclusion:

 

Dear mirthless TMs, rejected Guests and long faced Judges!!!

After a passionate, enthusiastic follow up of my diet plan, the day of test match came, when I had to attend a big fat wedding party. Sweets were looking mesmerized in many colorful, fancy dresses. A dark red cherry was smiling at me sitting on the top of triple story frosted cake.

“New body is under construction. Please let me go.” I turned backwards only to see hot, delicious, mouthwatering chocolate sizzler on the table. The enemy was very strong & well equipped, while I was handling an unequipped one-woman army.

 

I fall prey to my food desire. “Dear my favorite foods. Things are not going to work between us. It’s not me. It’s you. You are detrimental, disastrous and deleterious!!!”

 

I lie on the floor completely dead for few minutes. I stood up & I rushed to the front table, where a range of fruits and vegetables, whole grains and unsalted seeds, nuts were kept!!!

 

The toughest part of DIET is not watching what you eat. Its watching what other people eat!!!

 

But! I had conquered all the toughest parts related to DIET.

 

So dear friends, how many of you is having courage to hate all the enemies related to DIET and to say  ”Good Bye Dear, I don’t want you in my life anymore!!!”