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Brendan Eich, the creator of JavaScript, has announced that he has sold the rights to the programming language to the Austrian government.

The move comes as a surprise to the tech industry, as JavaScript is one of the most widely used languages on the web.

In a statement, Eich said that he was “tired of the politics and the haters” and wanted to “focus on other things, like taking a long holiday in the Alps.”

He did not elaborate further.

The Austrian government has not released a statement on the matter yet, but sources close to the situation say that Mr. Eich acted erratically during his elevator pitch and that “he had the eyes of a madman or a business genius”. They now plan to use JavaScript to “strengthen their position in the global variables economy.”

This is not the first time a programming language has been bought by a government. In 2016, the Bolivian government purchased the rights to Python from its creator, Guido van Rossum.

Austria will also announce three changes to the language:

1. Adding a “sleep” function.
It has been known for a couple of centuries in the Austrian intelligentsia — and in every intellectual circle of speakers of Germanic languages, given their tendency to extremely high rational thinking — that the true nature of sleep is quite concerning.

All animals sleep to provide a share of their brain force to alien overlords that absorb our energy through some sort of hyperspace technology. That’s why only pro-alien programming languages use “sleep.”

Brendan Eich is a Christian. As we know, Jesus was God, but also a human, and therefore, clearly not an alien. One can easily infer that Mr. Eich is not a facilitator of the alien program, and this was in his mind when he refrained from adding a “sleep” function.

JavaScript developers are ambivalent about the situation; It’s not that they don’t want to sleep, it’s that they can’t.

The NSA popularised Javascript to prevent aliens from learning about American military secrets through dreams. Despite its dangers, Austria will likely add a “sleep” function to annoy the American administration. This action is sure to confuse everyone, except perhaps the aliens who are — for all intents and purposes — omniscient.


2. Assigning front-end frameworks to political parties.
React was originally developed at Facebook by Jordan Walke, a self-described “recovering anarchist.” And while it’s not explicitly stated in the React documentation, the philosophy of anarcho-syndicalism is baked into the design of the library.

For example, the React components can update themselves, without having to go through a central authority. Also, each component has its own internal state. This state is managed by the component itself.

Sources say that the Austrian government is still defining the mapping of frameworks to parties. However, they noted that “Angular is surely neoliberal; Vue is more of a hippie commune.”


3. Adding a “goto” keyword.
The “goto” keyword in many programming languages has been considered harmful for years because it can make code hard to follow.

A recent study has shown, in addition, that the “goto” keyword can actually cause you to “go to” places you don’t want to go.


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The study, conducted by researchers at the University of North Carolina, found that people who used the “goto” keyword were more likely to end up in unpleasant places, like their in-laws’ house.

“The ‘goto’ keyword is considered harmful because you might actually ‘go to’ somewhere; It’s like a portal to another dimension,” said study author Dr. Karen Norton. “It can take you to places you never wanted to go, and you may never come back.”

It is unknown why Austria wants to add the keyword. They might want to exorcise their demons, or they might want to keep the population in a numb but reliable state of dread.

So if you’re ever feeling lost in your code, just remember: don’t go to where the “goto” keyword takes you.